10 Things More Precious Than a Gift That Can Fit In A Box
“No gift is more valuable than the love, affection and thought that inspires the giver to give.” ~Staci J. Shelton
- Family and Friends
- A handwritten card or note with a genuine expression of love.
- A gift or poem made by my children
- Having my children share their thoughts, dreams and feelings with me
- Daily Breakfast and dinner time with my family
- Spending time in person, by phone or skype with my best friends
- A silent morning with a journal and pen
- Talking with my Mother
- Friends and family who love and accept me unconditionally
- One on One time with my husband, daughters and people I love.
Connections over confections; these are the things that make life sweeter.
Love Is Not Conditional
love
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
Valentine’s day is upon us, and there’s a lot of talk about Love. We have so many criteria to evaluate who loves us, who we love and why. We judge by who gives us the most expensive gifts, does what we want them to do, tells us what we want to hear.
We have merged love and expectation together. Therein lies the problem. Love simply is. It is not a conditional occurrence. It is not a negotiating tool or tactic to get what we want. We’ve become conditional in our giving of love. We make unspoken “love” agreements. We will love, as long as someone does, gives or becomes what we want. If those conditions are not met, we withdraw or remove ourselves. If we find ourselves tempted to stop loving someone because of a disappointment, then we have to question if it was love at all.
People will disappoint us. It’s guaranteed. Excluding people from our lives and refusing to love them because of what they do will result in lonely, dysfunctional lives. Conditional loving is fearful loving. It is a way to control situations and people to avoid pain. And, it is an illusion. We cannot build a solid loving relationship by placing conditions on love. “I will love you if…” is not love. It is fear. The irony is that while we want unconditional love, we don’t always give it.
Love is not about gifts or romance. It’s not about people always agreeing with us. Love is about acceptance. Real love is loving someone even when you’re not getting what you think you want or need from them. Loving to get anything in return is an arrangement. To give real love we must remove the conditions. Separate the love you have for someone from being pleased or displeased with what they’ve done or left undone. Unconditional love is love that is present even when someone is being unlovable.
So, the challenge this Valentine’s day is to grow from the conditional to the unconditional. Remove the expectations we have of people from the love we have for people. Address the disappointments, just don’t withdraw the love.
Cleaning Up My Key Chain Wth CardStar
Do you have a ton of store reward cards on your chain? If you’re anything like me, you have more cards than keys it seems. Well, you can store all of those cards in a safe place and take then off your key chain!
The CardStar app allows you enter all of your cards onto the phone. When you go the store, no more fumbling around to find the cards on your keys or in your wallet. Just open the app and the bar code and membership info appears for the merchant to scan!
From the merchant end of things, card star also will be adding functionality that gives merchants the ability to send mobile coupons, targeted offers and product recalls.
It’s a great app that gets a lot of use from me. Did I say it was FREE? You can download it for yourself HERE. Happy shopping!
Asking The Right Questions
Watch and enjoy the 5.75 Questions You’ve Been Avoiding. Apply these questions to your life and get some joy back.
Crutches, Cures, Enablers and Egos
I love helping people see their dreams come to pass. Professionally and personally, I’ve been a sounding board, advice giver, trainer and go-to person for the people in my life. I push, pull, encourage, motivate and sometimes inspire. And I’ve helped people.
But, with some people (translation: family and some close friends) I want “it” more for them than they want it for themselves. I had to admit (with the help of some unconditional love of a friend who was willing to get in my face with it), that it’s all Ego. I sometimes take on other people’s dreams as my dreams, my projects, my measure of success. If they are transformed and successful, I can say (to myself) “I did that”. For me, their failure is my failure, and I was taking it personally. If I’m not able to help them succeed, what does that say about me? It was a startling revelation. It stung. Badly. But it was needed. And it made me think.
I cannot be effective as a human being with Ego motivating my movement. If Ego is doing the driving, I’m moving and being from a place of fear, and that cripples everyone.
In truth, it wasn’t my belief in them that was moving me, it was my lack of trust in them.
So, I became a crutch. I decided to prop these people up. Sometimes, crutches are needed. When someone is hurt or broken, temporarily, they cannot move on their own. Pain distracts them from being effective. Crutches help bear the burden and the weight and give the reprieve needed for healing. Ultimately, though, bearing weight and walking unaided is what helps rehabilitate and facilitate healing. When crutches are used beyond the prescribed period, it can cripple people, sometimes permanently.
Crutches are not cures. The prolonged use of crutches creates co-dependency. Eventually, because the healing is incomplete or distorted, the person’s ability to move without them becomes impossible. Even if they give up the crutches later, growth has been stunted to such an extent that their ability to move and make progress independently is severely limited. On top of that, crutches can cause nerve damage. People who use them for too long can suffer damage that makes them numb. Their arms, which were not meant to bear the weight of the entire body eventually lose feeling and function. Now more than one area of the body is not functioning as it should. The crutch, too becomes battered, weakened and worn, less and less effective over time. It’s a lose-lose situation.The crippling guarantees the crutch a role forever in the person’s life but it’s not a healthy arrangement. Clearly, neither the person being “helped” or the crutch is operating in purpose when this is the pattern.
“We’re all here to do what we’re all here to do.”~ The Oracle in The Matrix
A dictator tells. A guru guides. An enlightened soul knows that each person is here to do what they’re to do; that each must all walk his or her own path and learn what was to be learned; that if people don’t receive the lesson, maybe it’s just not time, the learner wasn’t ready or it wasn’t the right teacher. They are detached from the outcome, wanting only the best for that person’s whole life, whether or not they are involved in the process. Wanting to be the “savior”, and thinking we know what’s best for someone’s life is arrogance and blocks us from doing our greatest work. I must not define myself by my assessment someone”s willingness to listen, learn or succeed. Who am I to make that judgment? If I’m reminding someone day by day what they “need” to be doing, not trusting them to “get there”, or getting angry when I think they are not, I’ve moved into a place of ego and am on my way to being a crutch.
Friends and Family are not coaching opportunities. They are Relationships.
Awareness is a gift. I’m now aware and committed to checking myself, my motives and making sure that I’m being a cure, not a crutch. First, I cannot coach my family. While some relationships occasionally involve coaching from time to time, what’s required for an effective coaching relationship is not always what is effective for a healthy family dynamic. We have to allow people to try, learn, fail or succeed at their own pace. Their progress, or lack thereof has nothing to do with me. I will continue love my family members and hold them accountable, but I will detach from their outcomes. I will be aware of when I’ve moved into casting myself in the role of Heroine in their stories, and when I’ve inched over into the dangerous territory of associating my self worth and defining the the quality of the relationship with my assessment of their success. Who am I to say whether they are successful or not, anyway?
The truth is, it’s my job to create an environment of safety, unconditional love and support, so the the people I love can heal, succeed, be joyful and grow. I’m working on my part. The rest of the real work is up to them and God. What a relief that is.
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