So, I became a crutch. I decided to prop these people up. Sometimes, crutches are needed. When someone is hurt or broken, temporarily, they cannot move on their own. Pain distracts them from being effective. Crutches help bear the burden and the weight and give the reprieve needed for healing. Ultimately, though, bearing weight and walking unaided is what helps rehabilitate and facilitate healing. When crutches are used beyond the prescribed period, it can cripple people, sometimes permanently.

Crutches are not cures. The prolonged use of crutches creates co-dependency. Eventually, because the healing is incomplete or distorted, the person’s ability to move without them becomes impossible. Even if they give up the crutches later, growth has been stunted to such an extent that their ability to move and make progress independently is severely limited. On top of that, crutches can cause nerve damage. People who use them for too long can suffer damage that makes them numb. Their arms, which were not meant to bear the weight of the entire body eventually lose feeling and function. Now more than one area of the body is not functioning as it should. The crutch, too becomes battered, weakened and worn, less and less effective over time. It’s a lose-lose situation.The crippling guarantees the crutch a role forever in the person’s life but it’s not a healthy arrangement. Clearly, neither the person being “helped” or the crutch is operating in purpose when this is the pattern.

Awareness is a gift. I’m now aware and committed to checking myself, my motives and making sure that I’m being a cure, not a crutch. First, I cannot coach my family. While some relationships occasionally involve coaching from time to time, what’s required for an effective coaching relationship is not always what is effective for a healthy family dynamic. We have to allow people to try, learn, fail or succeed at their own pace. Their progress, or lack thereof has nothing to do with me. I will continue love my family members and hold them accountable, but I will detach from their outcomes. I will be aware of when I’ve moved into casting myself in the role of Heroine in their stories, and when I’ve inched over into the dangerous territory of associating my self worth and defining the the quality of the relationship with my assessment of their success. Who am I to say whether they are successful or not, anyway?

The truth is, it’s my job to create an environment of safety, unconditional love and support, so the the people I love can heal, succeed, be joyful and grow. I’m working on my part. The rest of the real work is up to them and God. What a relief that is.